Burgundy Pilgrims

With all these thoughts going through my mind I went to mass yesterday. After the Eucharist I went back to my seat and, as I prayed, the words ‘Mary, don’t you know me’ in a rather sad and disappointed voice kept coming to me. I found myself fighting back the tears. I suddenly realised a terrible thing. I have been avoiding a relationship with Jesus because I am jealous and would not want to share him with others. How can I be unique and special to him if everybody else is unique and special to him? I am jealous and I would want him just for me. I don’t want to share him so I haven’t even tried for a relationship. I thought of his special relationship with Mary Magdalen and was jealous.

I have realised that divine love has not taken hold of my heart. I have faith and I hear from God but I seem to have a greater feeling for God the Father than for Jesus. I do not have a personal relationship with him. I realise that this is what is lacking, this is what makes it easier to fall away from the church and this is what makes it more difficult to persevere to the end. This has been confirmed by my being so moved when I saw the Easter passion through the eyes of Mary, Jesus’ mother. I understand now what it means to come to Jesus through Mary. She has opened my eyes and made it easier for me to see. I also have a deep feeling that I must commit my son to her. Just as I have felt a part of her anguish during the Stations of the Cross, so she feels my worry for my own son. I have asked her to take responsibility for him herself, to guide and protect him. I have a great peace about this so I am sure I am right to do so and that she is willing. I wonder if she is calling all of us mothers to commit oursons to her?

Lord – let me dream your dreams
but be humble enough to accept that they may be mine
and obedient enough to give them up
if they are not yours.

I have started my treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I came away from the session firstly astounded at how it works and secondly, and most amazingly, with an absolute knowledge that God was already preparing me for this day almost twenty-three years ago!
When I left the consulting room I had the absolute assurance that God knew, when he gave me that experience in 1986 and the rainbow afterwards, that I would bring it to mind all those years later in my healing process. I was marvelling at his care, planning and love.

I realised that God was saying that there is more that makes a face than perfection just as there is more that makes a garden than grass. He is more interested in what goes on below the surface. Others may see beauty on the outside but he sees the ugliness within. The more beautiful we are inside, the lovelier it is for Jesus. In addition, he has less to offset when he stands in our place before God.